Gift of Singleness?

I met a man this weekend who has recently gotten married in his late 20's. We were talking about the challenges of finding your place in church as a single person. At the end of our conversation, he made a comment that I've heard a hundred times in various formations, "Don't worry. God will bring along just the right man for you in the right time." I smiled, as I always do. I often quickly change the subject because I get frustrated when people automatically assume I'm going to get married some day. This time, however, I decided to add, "Well, we'll see. I think that God has perhaps given me the gift of singleness." His eye popped out of his head! "Really???" he said. He seemed totally shocked that I would say such a thing, especially without bursting into tears at the very idea! It was almost funny. I told him that I really have no idea if I'll ever get married; that I want to, but only if it's God's best for me and that He might prefer to use me as a single woman. He seemed quite disoriented by this reply. Of course, most people who spend time in the church are aware of "the gift of singleness," but he still seemed so shocked by my statement; either because he hasn't met many people who say something like that, or he can't believe I'm ok with it! Anyway, I wonder if anyone else has ever had a conversation like this. I've had numerous conversations with my single gals about how often we are asked about our love lives and told with reassurance to, "just hang in there." But, I'm curious to hear how some of you handle the response to that question. It's easiest to just smile and nod, as I often do, but sometimes I get so frustrated I feel like I need to teach these people!

Quote on Lonliness

I found this great quote in Wendy Widder's book, Living Whole Without a Better Half:


“Like Moses, I am never alone, regardless of how I may feel. I have a friend who argues with me, ‘But I can’t see God.’ She’s right about that, but she’s wrong to think that not seeing God somehow limits the comfort He can bring. The comfort comes when I choose to see Him. Evidence of His presence surrounds me, even in the hardest of times. I am lonely when I ignore it” (Widder, pg 81).

Book recommendation

About the same I started this blog, I began reading every book I could find on singleness from a Christian perspective; I wanted to know what was already out there. I've probably read close to 15 books by now. Some of them were just good, some great. But, my favorite by far is the one I've read most recently. Wendy Widder has written several books on the topic of singleness, including a book on singles and the church that I can't wait to read! The book I've just finished is Living Whole Without a Better Half. First of all, the title struck me. It's simple but clear. Each chapter looks at a character in Scripture and relates particular experiences in their lives to aspects of being single. Like the title, her writing is simple and clear; no muss, no fuss, just truth. Here's a quote I read today:

“Pain puts us in a vulnerable position before God, allowing us to know Him in more intimate ways. It opens the door for personal growth and character shaping. All of those are desired outcomes of my life, and I hope for your life, too. I don’t like the route that’s required to get there, but I wouldn’t trade the results. Pain, however, doesn’t automatically produce spiritual growth in my life. It’s not a pill I swallow and wait for the healing to begin. Painful circumstances place me at the point of decision. I can choose to fight my way through God’s pain, writhing and straining at every turn of events, or I can choose to submit to His divine direction” (Widder, pg. 50).

After I was only a few chapters in, I wanted to learn more about Wendy. She wrote the book over 10 years ago, and I was curious to see if she was still single (she still is and is in her mid 40's). I was astounded to learn that she is an adjunct professor at Cornerstone University where I worked for almost 4 years and got my master's degree! What a small world. I wrote her a note, informing her of our connection, and she wrote a very kind note in response. :)

Singles and Married - how to make it work

A recently married friend of mine and I were talking last week about the challenge when 1 single gal in a group of singles starts dating and then gets married. More often than not, the newly dating gal drops off the face of the earth and the relationship with her single friends is never the same. It's hard for me to admit, but when a women gets married, her single gal friends shouldn't be her priority anymore! However, there is most definitely a feeling of being left behind. Even if we are really happy for our friend in the relationship, we miss her! So....single people and married people....balance is obviously key, but what does that actually look like in real life? A wife needs to be devoted to her husband first, but it doesn't mean she doesn't need female relationships, even with us single gals!

What recommendations do you have for single women who feel left behind? What recommendations do you have for married women on how they can still maintain friendships outside of marriage?

Also....
Single gals: What do you wish married women knew/remembered about what it's like to be singe?
Married women: What do you wish single women knew about what it's like to be married?

Loneliness

I know being single doesn't always mean you have a ton of time on your hands, but I do find that I struggle with loneliness when I don't have much going on. Long ago I created a list of things I can do by myself that are either free or fairly cheap. What other ideas do you have?

1. Sew
2. Crochet
3. Read
4. Journal
5. Pray
6. Read God’s Word
7. Take a walk
8. Go to the library
9. Bake
10. Take pictures around town
11. Watch a movie
12. Go to a thrift store/flea market
13. Learn something new
14. Make jewelry
15. Write an encouragement note and mail it with an actual stamp!

It doesn't really help...

I'm curious: What have you heard married people tell you that didn't really help/make you feel better?

My least favorite is this: It was when I finally became content with being single that God brought my husband into my life. If you can just learn contentment too then you’ll meet your husband.

I also hate it when people tell me they know that I'll get married some day. No they don't know that! Sometimes I feel more content about me being single than married people do. They have a hard time imagining that I'm ok!

Church

Here are some thoughts about singleness and church. I'd love to hear more ideas about how to handle these kinds of circumstances. Also, how has your experience been trying to find your place in church? Has it been better, worse, or different than mine?

I’ve lived all over the country, and I’ve found one common denominator: churches rarely have a clue what to do with a person who is single and 30. We often get relegated to the college group, get thrown in a small group with all married people or placed in a small group with singles I would put in the “still single because they are socially awkward” group. I’ve also been to singles groups that seem like nothing more than a giant matchmaking factory. If you’ve had a better experience, thank your lucky stars!

I’ve also found that church can be difficult because it seems like 99.9 percent of the sermons that have to do with relationships are about family, marriage, parenting, etc. When was the last time you heard a great sermon about how to thrive as a single woman of God? Jerusha Clark, author of Every Thought Captive, agrees. “Sermon illustrations limited to families and couples, as well as the segregation of singles to a group where – though it’s not supposed to be the goal - they can meet one another and finally get married, do not help in this regard” (Clark, 116).

So, what can you do about it? There is no one-size-fits-all solution. There have been times when I’ve had to be the one to do something about it. I’ve spent time talking to senior pastors about my concerns about not hearing sermons on singleness. I started a singles Bible study at one church that really did focus on studying the Bible! I admit, I’m the kind of person that likes to initiate change. If that’s not your bent, my suggestion is to find someone else at the church who loves to take charge. I’m a great starter and idea person, but I’m not so great with details and follow-through. If you’re good with the small stuff and organization, people like me desperately need people like you to help get projects, goals and ideas off the ground.

If you love your church but just can’t find any single people you’d like to hang out with there, my suggestion is to find another church that doesn’t mind you tagging along to some of their events, Bible studies, etc. I’ve often attended the Sunday services at one church and the Wednesday night Bible study at another. It may not be optimal, but it can be a great way to meet new people and gain a broader perspective of your city. Check out this amazing article on helping singles in a church setting: http://lindseysthoughts.wordpress.com/2013/12/17/6-ways-to-love-single-women-in-your-church/