Book recommendation

About the same I started this blog, I began reading every book I could find on singleness from a Christian perspective; I wanted to know what was already out there. I've probably read close to 15 books by now. Some of them were just good, some great. But, my favorite by far is the one I've read most recently. Wendy Widder has written several books on the topic of singleness, including a book on singles and the church that I can't wait to read! The book I've just finished is Living Whole Without a Better Half. First of all, the title struck me. It's simple but clear. Each chapter looks at a character in Scripture and relates particular experiences in their lives to aspects of being single. Like the title, her writing is simple and clear; no muss, no fuss, just truth. Here's a quote I read today:

“Pain puts us in a vulnerable position before God, allowing us to know Him in more intimate ways. It opens the door for personal growth and character shaping. All of those are desired outcomes of my life, and I hope for your life, too. I don’t like the route that’s required to get there, but I wouldn’t trade the results. Pain, however, doesn’t automatically produce spiritual growth in my life. It’s not a pill I swallow and wait for the healing to begin. Painful circumstances place me at the point of decision. I can choose to fight my way through God’s pain, writhing and straining at every turn of events, or I can choose to submit to His divine direction” (Widder, pg. 50).

After I was only a few chapters in, I wanted to learn more about Wendy. She wrote the book over 10 years ago, and I was curious to see if she was still single (she still is and is in her mid 40's). I was astounded to learn that she is an adjunct professor at Cornerstone University where I worked for almost 4 years and got my master's degree! What a small world. I wrote her a note, informing her of our connection, and she wrote a very kind note in response. :)

Singles and Married - how to make it work

A recently married friend of mine and I were talking last week about the challenge when 1 single gal in a group of singles starts dating and then gets married. More often than not, the newly dating gal drops off the face of the earth and the relationship with her single friends is never the same. It's hard for me to admit, but when a women gets married, her single gal friends shouldn't be her priority anymore! However, there is most definitely a feeling of being left behind. Even if we are really happy for our friend in the relationship, we miss her! So....single people and married people....balance is obviously key, but what does that actually look like in real life? A wife needs to be devoted to her husband first, but it doesn't mean she doesn't need female relationships, even with us single gals!

What recommendations do you have for single women who feel left behind? What recommendations do you have for married women on how they can still maintain friendships outside of marriage?

Also....
Single gals: What do you wish married women knew/remembered about what it's like to be singe?
Married women: What do you wish single women knew about what it's like to be married?

Loneliness

I know being single doesn't always mean you have a ton of time on your hands, but I do find that I struggle with loneliness when I don't have much going on. Long ago I created a list of things I can do by myself that are either free or fairly cheap. What other ideas do you have?

1. Sew
2. Crochet
3. Read
4. Journal
5. Pray
6. Read God’s Word
7. Take a walk
8. Go to the library
9. Bake
10. Take pictures around town
11. Watch a movie
12. Go to a thrift store/flea market
13. Learn something new
14. Make jewelry
15. Write an encouragement note and mail it with an actual stamp!

It doesn't really help...

I'm curious: What have you heard married people tell you that didn't really help/make you feel better?

My least favorite is this: It was when I finally became content with being single that God brought my husband into my life. If you can just learn contentment too then you’ll meet your husband.

I also hate it when people tell me they know that I'll get married some day. No they don't know that! Sometimes I feel more content about me being single than married people do. They have a hard time imagining that I'm ok!

Church

Here are some thoughts about singleness and church. I'd love to hear more ideas about how to handle these kinds of circumstances. Also, how has your experience been trying to find your place in church? Has it been better, worse, or different than mine?

I’ve lived all over the country, and I’ve found one common denominator: churches rarely have a clue what to do with a person who is single and 30. We often get relegated to the college group, get thrown in a small group with all married people or placed in a small group with singles I would put in the “still single because they are socially awkward” group. I’ve also been to singles groups that seem like nothing more than a giant matchmaking factory. If you’ve had a better experience, thank your lucky stars!

I’ve also found that church can be difficult because it seems like 99.9 percent of the sermons that have to do with relationships are about family, marriage, parenting, etc. When was the last time you heard a great sermon about how to thrive as a single woman of God? Jerusha Clark, author of Every Thought Captive, agrees. “Sermon illustrations limited to families and couples, as well as the segregation of singles to a group where – though it’s not supposed to be the goal - they can meet one another and finally get married, do not help in this regard” (Clark, 116).

So, what can you do about it? There is no one-size-fits-all solution. There have been times when I’ve had to be the one to do something about it. I’ve spent time talking to senior pastors about my concerns about not hearing sermons on singleness. I started a singles Bible study at one church that really did focus on studying the Bible! I admit, I’m the kind of person that likes to initiate change. If that’s not your bent, my suggestion is to find someone else at the church who loves to take charge. I’m a great starter and idea person, but I’m not so great with details and follow-through. If you’re good with the small stuff and organization, people like me desperately need people like you to help get projects, goals and ideas off the ground.

If you love your church but just can’t find any single people you’d like to hang out with there, my suggestion is to find another church that doesn’t mind you tagging along to some of their events, Bible studies, etc. I’ve often attended the Sunday services at one church and the Wednesday night Bible study at another. It may not be optimal, but it can be a great way to meet new people and gain a broader perspective of your city. Check out this amazing article on helping singles in a church setting: http://lindseysthoughts.wordpress.com/2013/12/17/6-ways-to-love-single-women-in-your-church/

Lies we believe

Hey everyone! I'm trying to gather a list of lies that women believe about themselves and about marriage. I've included the list I've come up with, but as I've said before, I can only see this through my lens, and I need to know what other people think too. Also, if you have any thoughts on these issues, pleas share; it will be really helpful as I put together workshops on some of the topics. Thanks for your help!

My husband will always be there to listen to me
My husband will complete me
My husband will make me happy
My problems will go away when I get married
I’ll be able to have the exact number of kids at the perfect time once I do get married.
I’m not worthy/pretty/thin/smart/interesting enough for a guy to be interested in me.
There’s no one good left/No one is good enough for me
There is sin in my life that God wants me to work through before I can get married.
I don’t have worth outside of a relationship.

 

Housing

I'm collecting a list of pros and cons for either renting an apartment, buying a house or renting a room. (From the perspective of a single gal.) Any suggestions would be welcomed!

Thanks for your input so far!